I don't know what I want with you
With us -
Us, in the sense that two people is an us,
Not that we are a connected entity in itself,
a couple.
My pointed profile, my fabulous stare.
I know well my flaws and assests.
Your mouth, both tender and sharp with wit,
Your shoulders, and dare I say it, your thighs,
and the tender skin where they become your
hips...
The physical attraction looms, but there
Is something invisible missing,
Making the attraction seem... flat,
No less lush, like a magazine spread,
Sweaty porn, rich with the animal within, the
musk of evolution, the glossy sheen.
But I am unsatisfied.
And I don't know what you are.
What you want of me.
A friend?
With benefits?
A lover?
A wife?
I laughed as I wrote that. The possibility
so remote as to seem a parody.
You confuse me, which is interesting since
Your attitude and actions have remained
Consistant.
I obviously confuse myself.
I imagine I confuse you, or at least annoy
You, with my talk of questioning my
Sexuality..
I still question, and I'll bet I'll continue
to question until I meet the person I
hope to spend the rest of my life with.
And we'll see what I am then.
I hold no illusions, by the way, that I will find
Someone to spend the rest of my life with.
Oh, I'm sure I'll find someone, but nothing lasts
for a lifetime.
Love is little more than making a choice and sticking
to it.
Though I do think love adds that third dimension to
glossy porn.
I wonder how being a soldier will change you. I
wonder if we have a future together. At all, friends or
as partners.
A lot can happen in four years.
A lot will happen.
I also wonder if I'll get get a trip to Hawaii out of
this.
<laugh>
I know. I'm awful.
And yes, geez, I am aware ther likelihood is so
low I'd have better luck winning a sweepstakes.,
but I still wonder.

Do you love me?
No.
Do you want me to?
No.
Good.

It all seems so sour. Like milk gone over.
Are we honest, or over-cautious, both or neither?
I think I'm both, but I still dream of you,
sleeping dreams. You, or rather, thoughts of you,
Plague my subconscious.
I kinda like it.

Copyright 2003 by Sarah Gaunt
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